i wanna blog..yes... i am back from china... i have not yet organise all my feelings.. its really mixed feeling... too many story...too many emotion over there...

but the mintues i alight from airport... before i can rest properly... i am in camp and going for outfield... sigh.

but.. the first thing i wanna blog is him...

i wanna everyone to know about his existence..

i didnt knew about his existence till that year when i was round 7 yr old..

when i went back china to shift my grandfather's tomb due to fengshui... its was there.. i know about him....if i never remember wrongly he does not have a decent tomb.. thats why my parents re-dig his tomb also...

and he was re-buried together with my grandfather....

that time i was only 7 yrs old.. alot of people was surprise how i remember everything so well and so clear...even th finest detail that day....

i was also surprise..

he is my big brother... my 大哥.. yes.. if u got notice when you ask me how may brother i have i always say 2.. but u noe what? i dont noe what is his name... i dont know when he pass away.. i know nuts about him.. but this trip to china... maybe because i am a adult already... alot of people tell me about him..

and this is his story...

in the past i always never ask my parents about him because they always dont want to mention about him, my father even think that i dont know about his existence because i never see him before.. but i knew and call myself to remember him because he is my mother's son...

when we were on the way to china... i suddenly randomly ask my mother this question.. i ask her... if we can bring his tablet back to singapore... so that he can reunited with us?

my father kept quiet..

my mother was tearing.. i was very sure... it was after that then i know why.. the reason is because the night before.. my mum dreamt about him.... and he was actually asking my mum... why does she have to leave him alone in china. ..and he was holding on to my mum leg...

it might be just a dream..but a dream so true.. hence.. the when we were in china.. other then preparing for my grandma anniverary.... my mother also went to see a person who is known to be able to communicate with the death and is very very close with my grandma .... i actually wanna accompany my mother and relative to go .. but they dont wanna me to go ..

but after then when my mum is back... they say that its better for him to stay in china... yes.. in the same tomb with my grandfather.. and my grandma will bring him for recarniation..
i even question myself that the reason why he haven recarinate because he was waiting for me to come back.. ?

i dont know.. from all the story i heard about him from my relative.. and everyone in the village.. he seems to be really smart and good and sensible boy because even after so many years.. so many people still remember him ...and still remember alot of things that he said before..

but he pass away at 5 yr old

and ... when he pass away .. my mum was bearing me...
he told my mum that he wish that i am a girl ... because he know that my mum wanna to have a baby girl ..

but before he gets to see my arrival to this world.. he pass away ..

the greatest happiness for a mother is to be able to see her own baby arrive in this world..
the pain fullest thing that a mother could feel is to see her own baby leave this world..

and within 48 hours.. my mother experience the pain and happiness...

after he pass aways...48 hours later i came to this world.. only if god give him this 48 hours.. he would be able to see if i am a girl or boy. . .

when i heard this ...i was really wondering whats my mum emotion at that time... it must be really hurting...

i guess the reason my father never even mention a single thing about him before is because he dont wish me to noe so much ba... after that ya.. now that i knew.. i realli keep thinking..

losing and gaining

i really dont know if i am a curse or a blessing...

it must be hard on my mum .. . .